im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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