I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
