He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
