Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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