just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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