Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize