I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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