i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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