Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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