Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
