I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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