she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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