Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
