I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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