Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
