i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
