I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
