Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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