You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
