Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
