Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
my poor anus
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
