the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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