Swine flu. Run for my life!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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