this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
