If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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