thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
