This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
