yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
