Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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