maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
