I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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