Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I could fuck to npr.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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