Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?