If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...