Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
