Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
