you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
