I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
