I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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