saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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