I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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