The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
