would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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