capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
