I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
