dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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