Already got asked if we're dating
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
