I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
