I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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