I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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