dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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