walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
