I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
