A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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