where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You can't special order awesome
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
