My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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