I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
