I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
