im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
